Just a note and something at the end to keep you occupied while i am on my emotional breakdown-back soon :)

just before you enjoy the video to pass the time i would like to just share something,there is a reason that i wanted to share this and that is today a friend whom i have known many years told me that a man who had once been her partner had died. He was only 53, he drank, and was also self destructive. My husbands father was the same and also died just as young, and both suffered strokes related to drink, and spent the last years in a wheelchair,with speech problems and needing care. It made me think of how unbearable the loss would be for me if my husband died (or even not to be near him to take care of him if or when he needed that) and yet i feel his loss just as if he had died.The actions of a husband who broke his wedding day promises, and the life it will now leave me,If i keep my promise to him and to God, above all God,which i intend to do i will never know another man, but more is the loss of the husband i wanted and that I will never know the feeling of being held,his scent,being touched,and the warm embraces in bed,to feel his skin and the weight of his body.I never felt like i felt with my husband with anyone else-not that i was lets say that experienced.To know that i will never know those feelings or experience that comfort or pleasure with him again is one of the hardest parts of losing him to his own lies.(But then, i wont experience his beatings or false arrests or torments and all the other abusive behaviour and as he didnt in the end keep to his promise and the waiting turned out to be a waste of 4 years of my life-not to mention the previous 8 years as a friend and being there all the time for him)The confusion i feel is in the words he told me not a day before he left, he had 'never felt so loved in his life as when we held each other' and that 'he didnt know living with a woman could be so lovely'....to think i will never have that again and i am not dead or frigid is a very hard and lonely life to face, but it is my choice because i made that promise and i will not break them, having said that i didnt ever think he would abandon me, especially after all the support and what he had put me through, as well asking me never to give up on him, so didnt really expect or plan for this situation..He claimed to know the lord and it was obviously just another lie..He says he tried for 'years' to make the marriage work, well we werent even married years-not even 1 1/2 to be precise when he left- and as for 'trying' that is very debatable and if he really had wanted to 'try' he would come home, not carried on commiting adultry and have gone for the psychotherapy as planned and which both took months to get and he promised to do and which i carried on suffering while we waited for him to get that help. Plus parenting course and that would have been trying, sadly he never really wanted to work at our marriage and the saddest thing of all is that i still love him..I gave him every opportunity to deal with his 'problem' by supporting him with a loving home while continuing to be abused while he waited to start the psychotherapy, he walked away from dealing with what was/is a long term problem and therefore i and others are of the opinion that he doesnt want to change that behaviour, what my husband has done is selfish and cowardly, and one thing i know is that sometimes..people have to learn the hard way and i have a feeling that is what he is going to have to do...I can neither rescue him or save him, but i can forever love him....But i am just a 'soft' sentimental and emotional fool which my husband could not bare about me, but found it useful enough when he needed me.
ANYWAY ON TO THE VIDEO...ENJOY

Sorry to be boring, but this man meant everything to me

I FEEL SO LOST AND SO LOW, SO I AM TAKING A SHORT TIME OUT. I HOPE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND AND CONTINUE TO SUPPORT MY BLOG. I HAVE TRIED BUT I JUST CANT CARRY ON PRETENDING AS IF I CAN ACCEPT A SITUATION I CANT. I WILL BE BACK AS SOON AS I CAN. UNLIKE MY HUSBAND I CANT JUST DISPOSE OF SOMEONE I LOVED/LOVE.THANKYOU. ISHI

ishi's world - i guess the end of this subject, as there is no more hope

I am left heartbroken and devastated.

All actions have consequences, including his, as one day he will learn. And despite my following words until such time as i receive anything in regard to a 'divorce' the door may be shut but it wont be locked.

I love and loved my husband with all my heart. i tried everything to make him happy and not give up on him.

I had known him 12 years and only been married not a year and a half when he 'gave up', no time when you think of the amount of problems he gave and needed sorting.

I was willing too and wanted to keep working towards a good marriage, but he has chosen to throw away a little innocent child who thought he was his 'daddy' and he promised never to hurt. and a wife who adored him.

He doesnt wish to even try to work at the marriage and i have done everything to give him that oppertunity.

I will never take my wedding ring off, i will always love him and i will always be his wife.

Sadly no amount of pleading works with him, he has built his wall against me and there doesnt seem any 'knocking' it down.

I dont suppose he will ever regret his actions or what he is doing even now. How sad that 'marriage' was worthless to him. It would appear he has the attitude that people/marriage/relationships are like toys, that they're worth playing with when new, but when he's rough or mistreats them and they become damaged or broken he throws them away and just gets a 'new' toy.

He would often say 'i am not you' often in regard to my being hurt about his behaviour or such, well i am glad i am not like him, i am proud that all i have been through in my life that i dont behave so callous and fickle as he does, and the promises i make are kept and that i care and am loyal to the one i say i love....No he's not like me...he has no care, no kindness, no remorse, he lives a lie. And above all else he doesnt know how too love or what really loving someone is.

The quote i used before called almost have been written for him.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results." - Albert Einstein?

some words by ishi

I cant see you she cried
I cant feel you she sobbed
I cant hear you she whimpered
I cant touch you, what am i to do
And she cried out in pain
And the tears were in vain
He never came
And in her slumber she called out
as the tears came and came
Dont let our souls not touch she begged
Find your way back through the dark
follow the light of my love,it is only for you
But her love never came
And all she had left was the pain
and that everything had been in vain
Through the whispers and tears she knew he would never come to her again

Something i found

With the previous post in mind I felt this was quite profound and something i think my husband should say to himself and in doing so take the opportunity to get the help not to be what he was/is..

..maybe this quote would be useful to take on board with his life too mostly in his 'relationships/marriage'
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results." - Albert Einstein?

ishi's world- Stigma

Well there were a couple of things i could have posted about, but i have chosen one as it's been a current subject that is 'my husband'.

This is a little irrelevant to my situation now as my husband is total denial, wont accept anything and wants apparently to divorce me. However i did and still do feel this...

Its slightly different in that i want to highlight the reality of trying to support someone who you believe - and its not just a subjective view, in other words there is evidence that can be proved-has an either mental health or psychological problem that causes them to behave in a certain way. Now i am not going to bore you with going over old details(you can check out either 'older posts' or ishi-mysay) but what i have learnt from my experience in trying to be there for the man i love over the last 4 years is that no one in the line of the health authority, social services, police, women's aid or anyone else will support you to help that person to get the treatment they need-should they actually accept and seek help. what i have learnt is that it is in the case of 'abuse' a cut and dry situation. The person is an abuser and should be removed and never to darken the doorstep again.

I am sorry but not every case is as clear cut and dry. My husband if you look into his history and some daily things quite clearly has a psychological problem and both his GP and the psychologist who gave the initial assement told him so. But it, and i do stress this, it is what has and is coming across and that is that if someone then gets help they still have to pay the price and not be given a chance-all be it even if they were 'watched' so to speak-to put there life back together following their treatment. Why? if my husband had or does come to that because if he only insight and not only admitted but accepted his problem and went through with the help he said he would, why should he lose everything for what fundamentally wasn't entirely his fault.

I dont believe-because i know him and his past-that my husband is just a 'bully', i have stated what i feel and others feel is the problem which is why rather than condemn him i wanted and still would support him if he was to go through with the planned help. And i shouldn't be blackmailed by authorities that if i do i will have to choose my husband or child.

Absolutely a child must be protected, but if as i say the person is found to have an underline cause to his behaviour then a family should be supported not torn apart.

But it is the truth to say all the named authorities are still of the immediate answer not a workable solution, where through work things might actually be a positive result. After all if someone for example 'abuses' and then is just purely 'removed' how will that help stop an ongoing problem, what they do is just move the problem to another 'victim'. Oh yes they could get charged and have a criminal record etc, and i think in some cases that might bring home the seriousness of their behaviour, but i still believe that in some-and i emphasis 'some'-situations it shouldnt mean if the partner or rather victim wants to work at repairing the relationship and the children-if applicable-also are comfortable then i feel that the 'abuser' should be given opportunity, obviously with ongoing monitoring of the situation.

A person trying to support such a person doesnt mean 'they' themselves have a problem etc or are neglectful, or should be viewed as some sort of 'criminal'. We are victims, but also if the person who commits these crimes does have an underlying problem they too are victims of their own problem.

If my husband had been diagnosed with something like bi-polar or other any other such problem, or suffered a nervous breakdown for example i know for a fact that the view would be more sympathetic, Why? if someone has an underlying cause, they have it whatever and everyone deserves to get the help and rebuild their life without losing the people who want to be there to support them.

ENTRECARD+ADGITIZE

Sorry to those entrecard people who've 'dropped' on me, that i havent returned the favour for the last few days. For some unknown reason the computer is taking ages to almost non existant loading when i try to go onto the 'drops' and also when i try to use Adgitize-the latter are aware that they have a problem. But i dont know if my cable people are messing about with things so will keep trying but might not until it fixes get round to everyone, sorry again folks